I was supposed to be in the Grand Canyon right now

Back in August I booked a trip with my mom. Wanting to take her to see the breathtaking vastness of that landscape and take a little break before the holidays kicked in. 

I’m not going to lie, we both needed that break. 
But life throws curveballs and unexpected things happen. 
So instead I’m typing this to you from my living room. In my pjs, with my hound girl next to me and a mediocre cup of coffee steaming nearby. 
My eyes are tired. 
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My brain is functioning in slow motion and time is doing the thing time does when you linger too long in the in between. 

My Mother in Law is dying. 
Transitioning from this world to the next is such a process. One that has no clear timeline.
Like birth, death happens in its own time and its own way. 
So we wait. 
And the waiting is hard. 
What does one do while they hold vigil? 
And what does that vigil look like?

Out of respect and privacy for my husband and his family I won’t give details here. 
But I will say that dying, like birthing is messy and full of lots of feelings and unknowns. 

In the midst of this process one of my dearest friends has shared her decision to begin hospice. 
My heart is broken. 
And also full. 
Because there is something really beautiful about making that choice for yourself.

Needless to say this week of “vacation” is a lot. 

And in that “a lotness” I have these moments where I have felt completely devoid of magic.
I feel empty. 
I know it is grief. 
And sometimes in the grief, the motivation to do the things that help me connect disappears. 
So instead of hikes, I’ve been dancing in my living room or walking though my neighborhood in little spurts. 

Instead of sitting in nature, I’ve been laying on the floor with my animals and staring out the window at the trees dropping their leaves. 

And sometimes it helps.
And sometimes it doesn’t. 

This time is a not so gentle reminder that grief is the other side of love. 

And as with all things and feelings I know this moment will change. 
But for now, I’m just hanging here. 
In this liminal space. 
Gaze soft, looking for some twinkle of magic in the mundane. 

The Witch Next Door is off this week. 
However if you are looking for something to listen to, I was a guest on Your Average Witch Podcast, and the episode was released this week. 
You can find it here or tune in on your favorite streaming platform. 

I have more to share in the coming weeks, but for now, I’ve got some staring out the window and cuddling dogs and cats to do. 

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