This morning I woke up with a noisy brain. A project I'm co-creating required tending and instead of sleeping a little longer the excitement of getting my fingers on the keyboard lured me from warmth into the predawn.
As I finished my part in the magical collaboration, I felt accomplished. Content. Satisfied.
A couple hours later I was in a shame spiral. A well meaning friend made a simple comment. One that sent my ego into self comparison. Self judgement. One that made me want to crawl back in bed and perhaps never get out.
Imposter syndrome was in full effect.
And that's it.
It happens that fast.
One minute, content and accomplished, and the next feeling sick, and certain that it is only a matter of time before I am discovered to be a fraud.
Or maybe it has already happened.
I tried to talk it out.
I tried to use music to shift that contraction in my belly
I even took a shower and visualized washing it away
But none of it worked.
I was convinced I was the least magical, capable, wise human on the planet.
Do you know that feeling Wise One?
The one that whispers "You're not good enough" or "You're doing it wrong"?
These simple and untrue statements have so much power. Sometimes.
So when my strategies for crawling out of my shame spiraling imposter syndrome failed, I tried something else.
I stepped away from my computer. I crossed the threshold from inside to out, and let the earth soothe me.
Escaping to a sacred space here in Sonoma County, where the fossils of now extinct redwoods lie in repose, the story that nursed my imposter syndrome into being was silenced.
Where new growth sprouts from the remains of trees covered in ash 3.4 million years ago, my magic began to stir.
The song of the wind through leaves and needles and the voices of birds, the smell of drying but still damp earth, the feel of soil and sand, roots and rocks and volcanic ash now stone, echoing up through the soles of my shoes landed me back in the moment. Back in my Self.
Reminding me of the energy that is magic, coursing through the natural world. Coursing through me.
In my childhood home, Desiderata hung on my bathroom wall. Today I was reminded of several of the poignant and powerful lines in that piece of writing.
Today, I want to share these with you.
" If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself." and "Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should"
(If you are not familiar with Desiderata, you can read the full text HERE)
Wise Ones, today I invite you to find something that reminds you of the magic that resides within and the connection that you have to Source.
And when you do, be with it for awhile.
Emily Morrison MA, MFT